


Fire Drill

by Inamoena



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: House Elves, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-10
Updated: 2015-07-21
Packaged: 2018-03-29 22:27:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3912970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inamoena/pseuds/Inamoena
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I didn't know duty could sound as if it was being murdered with a blunt knife," Filius muttered and headed for the entrance hall. Minerva cleared her throat and cast a Sonorus. "This is the fire-alarm. Please leave everything behind and go to the entrance hall immediately, Professor Flitwick will be there to give you further instructions!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Harry Potter is the property of JK Rowling and publishers. I'm just playing with the characters.

1.

If there was one thing that was worse than teaching idiotic first-years how to stir a cauldron full of combustible potion, it was sitting in a start-of-the-year staff meeting. Staff meetings, for one reason or another, took ages and ages of sitting on your increasingly uncomfortable chair, listening to one of your colleagues droning on and on about a matter that should be resolved within minutes. And the worst thing was, these meetings took place _every three months_.

Severus had cast charms to cushion his chair, but they wore off surprisingly fast. Either the Headmaster had made sure his staff wouldn't fall asleep in the middle of his speeches, or his boredom was even affecting his magic.  
If it was the latter, perhaps they should've just put the Dark Lord in a staff meeting to get rid of him. Three hours of this, and he probably would've spontaneously combusted just to get out of here. Severus was sorely tempted to do the same.  
Most of the more experienced staff were bored out of their minds listening to the idiotic drivel of enthousiastic young teachers. Or 'educators' as they preferred to call themselves. Severus shot a dark look at the 'educator' in question, the young witch even now standing up to take the word at the invitation of Albus.  
Severus almost rolled his eyes at the idea of listening to the unbelievably naïve proposals to 'improve the educational experience of their students' that were no doubt coming.

Severus looked around at his colleagues, while the girl started her probably long introduction. Septima Vector and Rolanda Hooch seemed to have given up listening and were looking at a book full of, were that knitting patterns? Filius Flitwick, Pomona Sprout and Poppy Pomphrey were, apparently, playing rock-paper-scissors under the table and Minerva McGonnagall had a glazed look in her eyes, betraying the fact even she had stopped listening and was just pretending out of politeness' sake. Severus sighed surreptitiously and tuned back in.  
"…Paddington will organize this fire drill." Dumbledore said.  
Severus shot up straight. "Fire-drill? What do you mean, fire-drill?" he asked sharply. Albus looked at him with an admonishing glare.  
"If you had been listening, Severus," here Albus turned his glare to his other employees, noting their sheepish looks and straightening postures, "You would have heard Professor Paddington tell you all about it."

Severus and Minerva looked at each other in dismay. Both had already met Miss Ursula Paddington a couple of times earlier this week and were underwhelmingly happy about this years' choice of Defence against the Dark Arts teacher.  
Professor Ursula Paddington not only had the misfortune to share her name with a character in Muggle childrens' books, but even looked like she could be the characters' sister. At 23, Ursula was a rotund little witch with long brown hair and an abysmal fondness of blue robes. Snape wondered whether her parents gave her the name 'Ursula', Latin for little bear, because they were prescient, fans of Paddington Bear or just plain ignorant. Minerva, Filius, Pomona and himself had a little wager going on whether or not the troublemakers in the student body would grasp the reference and use it to prank her. Severus had a couple ideas to give to his more creative Slytherins, should they be in need of inspiration.

"As I explained earlier, I was quite appalled when Headmaster Dumbledore informed me Hogwarts has no fire-drills in place in case of emergency," Professor Paddington began in a pedantic tone. "In fact, outside of the contingency plans for the Potions' classroom," here she looked approvingly at Severus, who internally winced at the idea of being approved of, "I couldn't find any plans for evacuation or disaster control. Every Muggle building that serves a public function has such plans. Of course personnel, and in our case students, are trained in what to do when the alarm goes off. Now I'd like to propose the following steps to start..."  
Severus leaned over to Minerva who sat quite rigidly in her chair.  
"I don't suppose we'd get out of it if we told her about the Head of House-agreements?" he whispered hopefully.  
"This is Albus' revenge for our inattentiveness," she hissed back with fury in her tone. "Look at the old goat."  
Severus cast a surreptitious glance in Albus' direction. Indeed, the Headmaster was sitting in his chair, looking at his quietly steaming employees with twinkling eyes.  
"Typically, during a firedrill, people evacuate a building as quickly as possible, to see how effective the contingency plans are and…"  
Severus cast another cushioning charm on the seat of his chair and settled back for a long, _long_ staff meeting.


	2. Chapter 2

2.

Three days later Severus stormed through the halls with a murderous expression on his face. The students, who had arrived just last evening, jumped to the side, instinctively putting their backs against the walls. Even the first-years didn't need any prodding from the more experienced students to get the hell out of his way, one corner of Severus' mind was quite satisfied to note.

He slammed open the doors of the staff room and looked around. Only Minerva and Pomona were inside, sitting at a cozy table in the corner and discussing something over tea.  
Severus closed the staff doors and, under the curious looks of his colleagues, started to ward the room against intruders.  
"What's happened Severus?" asked Pomona, while Minerva surreptitiously called a house-elf for coffee.  
"She put that infernal alarm in _my potions lab_!" Severus practically screamed. "The stupid bint wouldn't even listen to my explanations about sound-sensitive potions. Even my argument that the potions labs have disaster-protocols in place, was swept under the rug. 'Go complain to Albus' she said."  
Severus concluded his rant with some choice words about Ursula Paddingtons' ancestors and their procreation habits, and approached the table.  
"She did the same in my greenhouses," Pomona said, "I tried to explain it wasn't necessary, the things are made of _glass_ , it isn't as if something could catch fire unseen. As it is, the racket will upset my plants." Here, Pomona looked like she had eaten a lemon.  
"You heard Albus," Minerva interjected while handing Severus a cup of the strongest coffee the house-elves could whip up. "Professor Paddington is in charge of the implementation of the contingency plans, you just have to cooperate."  
Severus could almost hear Minerva's disdain dripping on the floor. He took the cup gratefully and settled in the chair opposite Minerva.  
"Do we know when she's planning to test the infernal devices?" he asked, calculating how quickly he'd need to move his more sensitive experiments.  
" She wouldn't say. She's planning to immediately add an evacuation exercise to see how much training and work will be needed." Minerva answered.  
"So we'd best inform our Houses," Pomona said pensively, "Do you know whether she put those alarms in the dorms?"  
"No, only in the corridors, I believe, but the noise should be enough to wake the students. For the teachers, a ward in their quarters will register the activation of the alarms." Minerva said. "Luckily, she refrained from putting up the things even there." Minerva's eyes grew pensive when she said that. She shot a calculating look at Severus.  
"We'll have to wait until she has activated it at least once, otherwise Albus will immediately know who did it." Severus immediately answered the unspoken question with an evil smirk on his face, "It shouldn't be hard to drop some comments where some of the more adventurous pranksters can overhear."  
"Severus," Pomona said with a warning tone in her voice, "Don't involve my students in any of your plans. Better yet, don't involve _any_ students." She gave Severus and Minerva a sharp look, "If you two are starting to plot, I'm leaving." Pomona drained her teacup and bustled out.  
"Goody two-shoes," Severus muttered under his breath and for once Minerva didn't berate him.  
"Did you find them?" he asked Minerva after making sure Pomona had closed the door properly.  
"Yes, I had to overturn most of the attic, but I found them." Minerva rummaged through her pocket and got out two shrunken objects. She put them on the table and unshrunk them.  
There, in front of Severus was a somewhat battered copy of Paddington Marches On and a copy of Paddington Goes to Town with apparently some pages missing and a big stain of an unidentifiable substance on the cover. Severus gave Minerva an enquiring eyebrow. Minerva looked sheepish and shrugged.  
"How are we going to get this in students' hands?" Minerva asked interested.  
"I believe cleaning out an old classroom is a good detention. Can I help it, if some idiotic child stashed his favourite books in there?" Severus tried, and completely failed, to look innocent.

That evening, Severus entered the Slytherin Common room with sweeping robes. His students shot out of their chairs and couches as if bitten. Seeing Severus stride to the fireplace, the prefects sent runners to the dorms to get al the students downstairs. They formed up in a loose half circle, with the smallest students in front and waited patiently for the stragglers to fall in line. Severus looked his students over, examining uniforms and their faces for signs of distress. Severus knew he wasn't very good with children, but at least they would be properly fed, clothed and taken care of while they were under his care.  
Ending the visual inspection, Severus cleared his throat and started to speak.  
"As you've no doubt noticed, there are some new additions to the ceilings of the halls and classes. These contraptions are fire-alarms." Severus used his most derisive tone.  
Seeing the non-comprehending faces of most of his students Severus sighed quietly and started to explain.  
"The fire-alarms are a part of the new contingency plans. Should there be a disaster within the walls of the castle they will raise the alarm for evacuation. For instance, a massive fire that none of the paintings, the house-elves or the staff notices until it has taken such proportions it can't be extinguished easily by magic." Sarcasm dripped from every word. "The alarms will give a sound signal. I have no idea what sound, but I've been assured one cannot be mistaken when hearing it. Every students will then drop whatever he or she is doing, leave the castle and assemble at the Black Lake, were the Prefects will count heads."  
Miranda Harris, a blond seventh-year prefect, put up her hand.  
"Yes Miss Harris?" Snape asked, knowing what was going to come.  
"What do we do when the alarm goes off at night?"  
"You will jump out of your bed, put on shoes, cloak and wand and leave, Miss Harris," Snape answered dryly. "Dressing is, as far as I've heard, not necessary." Here he looked at a group of fifth year girls who, according to castle-gossip, were notorious for spending hours in front of a mirror getting ready for breakfast. They looked quite scandalised.  
"Sometime this week there will be a fire drill. This means the alarms will go off and everyone will leave the building to see how quickly we can evacuate. Any questions about the fire drill should be addressed to professor Paddington. Are there any other questions?" Severus looked them sternly over. His face clearly said there'd better be no questions. None of his students moved.  
"Very well, I'll see you tomorrow at breakfast." With this Severus turned sharply on his heel and left the Common room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: _Paddington Marches On_ and _Paddington Goes to Town_ are two of the Paddington books, first published in 1964 and 1968.


	3. Chapter 3

3.

It was one of those terribly wet and cold days that made you long for the summer with it's scorching hot sun, dried-out grass and liters of sweat pouring down your back. The only thing that was pouring now was the rain.  
It was half past six o'clock in the morning and apart from Severus there were only a handful of teachers and students in the Great Hall. Severus took another sip of his coffee and leaned back in his chair. Next to him sat a not-really-awake Minerva looking at her breakfast while absentmindedly adding cream instead of lemon juice to her tea. Severus contemplated informing her of her error, but the face she would make sipping it and trying not to spit it back out, would be too amusing.  
Just when the rim of the cup reached Minerva's lips, the whole Hall reverberated with a noise not unlike the crossing of a fog horn and an angry wet cat. It repeated itself every five seconds. Severus close his eyes in exasperation and Minerva even thunked her head against the table.  
"This is not happening," she said, "Tell me that it's not, Severus."  
Severus sneered at the back of her head.  
"Head's up, Minerva, duty calls." He said in the most annoyingly cheerful tone he could muster.  
"I didn't know duty could sound as if it was being murdered with a blunt knife," Filius muttered and headed for the entrance hall.  
Minerva cleared her throat and cast a Sonorus on her throat.  
"This is the fire-alarm. Please leave everything behind and go to the entrance hall immediately, Professor Flitwick will be there to give you further instructions!"  
The students looked at her incredulously. Some of them started to get up, but the majority stayed seated as if rooted to the spot.  
Severus stood up and gave them his most menacing glare.  
"Now!" he roared.  
The students scattered like a surprised flock of geese. They hastily bundled up their bags and almost ran to the entrance hall.  
Severus started down the side entrance, immediately followed by Minerva. The moment they stepped into the corridor, Minerva headed for the Gryffindor tower and Severus for the dungeons.

On his way to the Slytherin Common room, Severus encountered one very confused looking Ravenclaw prefect. Clearly the boy had no idea what was going on, or where the noise came from.  
"Mr. Harris, this noise you're hearing is the fire alarm. Please return to your dorm and inform your dormmates they are supposed to go to the Black Lake." Severus said in passing. He rapidly took the stairs down to the dungeons when suddenly a house-elf popped into his path. Severus almost collided with the startled being and had to grab a torch holder to keep upright. He cursed under his breath. The elf was very small and young for his species. Severus had never seen a child-elf and wondered idly where the house-elf population of Hogwarts kept their children.  
"Sevvy is sorry Professor Potions Master Sir! House-elves is hearing the call. House-elves is not knowing where the enemy is!" The petite elf grabbed his own ears in despair.  
Severus was almost sidetracked by the creature's name and stared curiously down. The elf started banging his head against the wall.  
"Stop it, Sevvy!" Severus barked. And then something the elf had said caught up with him.  
"What do you mean by _where the enemy is_?" he asked.  
The elf calmed a bit down and looked mournfully at him.  
"We is being good elves and Mummy is teaching Sevvy to prepare breakfast, when we is hearing the call of the elven fighting horn," the house-elf answered. "We no wanting to fight, Professor Potions Master Sir, we is decent elves! Uncle and Head-elf is wanting to stop the call and hide, but Mummy said the horn must be obeyed. Mummy told the others to go and fight, but Sevvy is not strong enough. Sevvy is only six!" the elf's lip started to quiver and fat tears dropped out of his eyes.  
Severus almost reeled in shock at the announcement of the existence of elven fighting horns. He'd never heard of the things. In fact, he was pretty sure _Albus_ had never heard of it. The concept blew everything he ever knew about house-elves right out of the window.  
"Sevvy, you have nothing to fear. The noise you're hearing is the fire alarm installed by the Defence Professor. They're not fighting horns." Severus tried to use a soothing tone, even going so far as to pat the little creature on the head.  
"Really, Professor Potions Master Sir?" the little elf asked, looking at him hopefully "Mummy is not having to fight?"  
"Really," Severus said. "What are you doing here, Sevvy? Why did you pop into my way?" he asked while stepping around the little elf and resuming his way, albeit much slower so the elf could keep up.  
"Mummy send me to Professor Potions Master Sir. She said Professor Potions Master Sir is very strong wizard." The little elf hopped after Severus down the stairs. "Mummy said Professor Potions Master Sir will keep me safe. That is why Mummy named Sevvy after Professor Potions Master Sir!"  
Severus stumbled on the last step and unceremoniously fell on his butt.


	4. Chapter 4

4.

Severus sat broodingly in his cushioned chair, nursing both a cup of the strongest firewhiskey-laced coffee he could find and his sore behind.  
The day had gone from bad to worse. Not only had he been forced to play nursemaid to a six-year-old house-elf, but everybody, and he meant absolutely _everybody_ , found it _adorable_. He didn't do adorable. Adorable was for puppies and kittens and angel-faced little menaces called babies. Not for overgrown bad-tempered men like himself.

oOo

When Severus had regained his feet, he immediately asked Sevvy the most important question: which idiotic house-elf was his Mummy? He'd had half a mind to give the blasted creature a sound walloping for naming her son after him. Until Sevvy said the name. Pisa. Not really his house-elf, but, since she was the only house-elf in the castle who'd dare to enter his rooms and labs to take care of them, he had started to think of her as his. Evidently the blasted creature thought he was hers.

He'd stormed to the Slytherin dorm rooms in a fit of temper and woken his Snakes as fast as he could. With a Sonorus, he called them all out of their beds and some well-placed stinging hexes made sure even the slowest stragglers were clothed and out of the door in minutes. When they passed him, his Snakes had been looking at him funnily, throwing confused glances at the little house-elf following his every footstep.

oOo

Snape scowled in his coffee. The other teachers were starting to trickle into the conference room, and he didn't dare look up. They'd started cooing at him. Ask inane questions about his little namesake. Not for the first time this day, Severus wished he could just go back to his rooms and hide there until this farce was over.

oOo

Needless to say, the whole fire drill was a disaster. None of the students in the dorms had heard the alarms because some of the house-elves, in a bid to deny the call of the fighting horns, had dampened the noise. Evidently they were of the idea that a problem would go away if you just ignored it long enough.

Half of the teachers had still been asleep when their wards went off and they'd stumbled to the meeting point half-awake. To see that most of the student body wasn't there and then stumble back into the castle to go find out what kept them. Add to that the fact that house-elves all over the castle were trying to block the noise of the alarms, and other house-elves were clamping the legs of the stumbling teachers and crying they didn't want to fight, and yet another group, most astonishingly, were emerging from Merlin-knows-where, wearing tiny battle-armour and wielding every kind of weapon they could find. Granted, most of those 'weapons' belonged in a kitchen, but a knife was a knife, and in the hands of a small creature like a house-elf, it looked like a bloody sword.

The students had been terrified. Most of the _teachers_ had been terrified. It was pandemonium, and when he reached the entrance hall everybody had been running around and shouting at each other in confusion. Albus had been trying to speak to some of the knife-wielding elves, but they were so excitedly waving their arms, the Headmaster had to use a summoned and transfigured desk as a shield to hide behind.  
Severus had arrived at the landing, still with his little protégé in tow, taken one look at the chaos in the hall, and did the only thing he could think of.

He'd blasted the alarms going off in the hall to smithereens. The abrupt silence was deafening. Everybody stopped whatever they were doing and looked around until they saw him standing there. Him and his little shadow, who was by now holding the back of his robes in his tiny hands and looking up at him with the biggest eyes he'd ever seen.  
"Headmaster, please inform the head house-elf that the fire alarms are not a call to war." Severus had said in his most biting don't-mess-with-the-teacher-tone.

The armoured house-elves relaxed a bit and most lowered their knives and other assorted weapons. Snape spied a female house-elf looking at him with a beaming smile. Pisa was wearing armour, and, if he was not mistaken, his tiniest silver cauldron as a helmet. She also had his chopping knife in hand and his cleaver in her belt. He _really_ had to have a lenghty talk with that creature.

"Ah, Severus, who's your little companion?" Albus had asked. And of course, the blighted creature just had to say it.  
"I is Sevvy, Headmaster sir!" it had squeaked. Severus pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance.

And that's when it started. The Looks. He'd seen it the moment he turned to Albus, who'd looked with twinkling eyes and a goofy smile at the little elf gripping the robes of his most feared teacher like a security blanket.

oOo

Albus rapped his knuckles on the conference table to call his teachers to attention.  
"Well," he said, eyes twinkling like mad behind his half-moon glasses "It has been the most interesting morning, hasn't it? I have spoken with the Head House-elf, Magda, and she informed me that the noise produced by the alarms, is the same they used to call the house-elves to the defence during the Goblin wars in the seventeenth century. Apparently, our little house-elf community still trains for that."  
Albus popped a lemon-drop in his mouth.  
"I've asked Professor Paddington," here Albus nodded at the rotund witch sitting next to Rolanda Hooch, "to change the sound of the alarms, and to give the house-elves a demonstration. Now, I believe an evaluation of the exercise is called for, Professor Paddington?"

The witch straightened her papers and cleared her throat. "Yes, well, due to the ..."

Minerva leaned over to Severus and whispered, "Did you know some of the students took pictures of you and your little friend? They are _so_ cute, especially the one where you're lecturing his mother about the danger of wielding your knives, while he's hiding behind your robes."  
Severus groaned and hid his face behind his cup.


	5. Chapter 5

5.

Halloween was two days away and already most of the student body was completely hyped up on sugar and sweets. Severus hated this. The students were loud, obnoxious, couldn't concentrate and almost bounced off the walls like rubber balls.  
He sighed and lengthened his stride. It was midmorning and he had a free period now. In pursuit of some decent coffee, Severus entered the staff room and made a beeline for the most comfortable chair.

"Ah, professor Snape, just the person I was looking for." Severus stiffened and turned to the voice.  
„Miss Paddington," he said. He refused to call her Professor, he also refused to use her first name. Only people he respected got on first name basis with him.  
Paddington cleared her throat nervously and folded her hands in front of her.  
"I seem to have a problem with some of the students from your House," she said. "Specifically the seventh-years. They refuse to cooperate in the class."  
Severus narrowed his eyes.  
"Is this about your new way of teaching?" he asked suspiciously, "Because if it is, I won't be able to help you. I have never worked with your new _education techniques_." Severus spoke the last two words as if they were dirty swearwords.  
"They just sit and don't react to anything I ask," Paddington answered a bit shrilly. Clearly the non-cooperation of Slytherin drove her spare.  
"Perhaps they don't understand what is expected?" this came from Filius, who was seated in a cozy corner next to Septima. "Some of my Ravenclaws had trouble with those individual group assignments."  
Severus quirked an eyebrow at that. He turned back to Paddington, who was readying herself for another lecture on the new ways of teaching. Severus really wasn't in the mood for this.  
"Miss Paddington, getting the students to cooperate in your class is your problem, not mine. After all, you are an educator. Didn't you inform us at the beginning of the year about the success rate of your teaching style? I am only a lowly Potions Master." Severus said smugly, putting a bit of stress on the word Master, reminding the woman of the fact that he was the higher certified one in this conversation. He sat himself down with Filius and Septima. Immediately, Pisa appeared with his coffee. Black, and strong enough to be classified as a lethal weapon.  
He took a sip, looked at the protesting witch and asked innocently: „Why are you wearing Wellington boots? Last I checked, the castle wasn't flooding."  
Professor Paddington closed her mouth with a decisive snap, turned around and left, door slamming.  
"That would have been far more impressive without those cute yellow boots," murmured Septima. "I hear some students managed to turn all her footwear in Wellingtons. Quiet a feat of transfiguration."  
"And charms, my dear," Filius said, "Otherwise our Professor Paddington would have turned her shoes back in their original state. I'm inclined to give those students extra points. Should I ever find out who did it, of course." Filius carefully kept his face blank and tried not to look Severus in the eye while saying that.  
Severus just ignored them loftily and drank his coffee.

The alarm sounded like the whistle of the Hogwarts Express. Luckily it went off in the middle of the day. Severus class was just wrapping up and bottling their potions when the noise started.  
"Everybody leave your things, put out the fires and leave for the Black Lake. No dawdling!" Severus called, looking sternly at two Slytherin girls who were trying to sneak their bags with them.  
The field was filled with students of all houses, mingling about in confusion. Rolanda and Septima were trying to establish some order without much success. Severus looked at his Snakes, who were filing in orderly according to year.  
Severus cast Sonorus on his voice "Play-time is over! Everybody to their assigned places. Prefects, give the tally of missing students to Professor Vector." Severus watched in satisfaction as everybody jumped to obey his orders. Septima and Rolanda joined him in front of the four groups of students.  
"This is already the fifth time this month," Rolanda almost screeched in anger.  
"She's going to drive us bloody insane with that incessant noise. Last time it took _two hours_ before classes could resume! The stupid bint!" Septima added furiously. Severus looked at her askance, it was the first time he'd heard Septima curse in front of students.  
A fifth year prefect from Ravenclaw approached them hesitantly, looking at Septima with a bit of trepidation. Apparently it was the first time the students heard the normally unflappable professor Vector curse too.  
"The whole second-year Gryffindor and Ravenclaw class is missing, Professor," he said respectfully.  
"Any idea which lesson they had?" Severus asked no one in particular.  
Rolanda and Septima shook their heads. Severus went to the Ravenclaw group and repeated his question.  
"Herbology, sir. Potting Mandrakes, according to my little sister," one of the students said promptly.  
Severus cursed violently, making the ears of those students within hearing range turn red, spun around on his heel and sprinted to the greenhouses as fast as he could. Not a second later Rolanda Hooch followed, all the while bellowing for the prefects to go find the Headmaster and professor McGonnagall and send them to the greenhouses.


	6. Chapter 6

6.

Severus and Rolanda ran around the back of the castle as fast as they could. Soon they saw the greenhouses.

"which one, Severus?" Rolanda panted, out of breath.

"Three, I believe. And let's hope they have only the baby mandrakes in there."

Baby mandrakes would be bad enough. They slowed to a stop almost 50 meters from the greenhouse. Severus' ears were starting to hurt from the noise of probably close to two hundred baby mandrakes screaming simultaneously.

"We'll need to block all sound to our ears. If I'm correct, the earmuffs won't have been strong enough to protect the children and Pomona will have a shield thrown up to protect them. We'll have to cast soundproof shields over all the mandrakes first, before helping the students."

"I'll follow right behind you," Rolanda said and cast _Aurisorda_ on both her ears.

Severus cast the spell on his ears and cautiously entered greenhouse three. It was a mess. Pots were scattered all over the floor with baby mandrakes screaming out their unhappiness with the noise and light of the alarms. In the back of the greenhouse, the second-year students were huddled around a strained looking Pomona, who was doing her best to keep up a soundproof shield big enough for all of the students.

Some of the students looked to be near unconsciousness, but otherwise unharmed. Pomona looked up, relieved when she saw Severus and Rolanda. Severus motioned for her to stay were she was and started to work.  
With relish, he pointed his wand to the alarm, conveniently situated right above the plot with the mandrakes. He almost rolled his eyes at the stupidity of their resident educator. He cast a wordless _Bombarda_ and watched the alarm explode into tiny little pieces.  
Next he turned to the baby mandrakes. The ones the students were working on when the alarm went off, were lying scattered about the floor. The others were still in their pots, but, infected by the noise and mass distress of the ones in process of being repotted, had peaked above ground and joined in the screaming.  
Severus started casting soundproof shields over those still in their pots. The mandrakes immediately ducked back under the soil like naughty schoolchildren caught in the middle of a prank.

After some minutes, he saw movement in the corner of his eyes. Albus and Minerva had joined him and started on repotting the distressed mandrakes as quickly as possible. Severus smirked when one of the mandrakes got tangled in the headmasters' beard. Albus tried to pick his beard out of the squirming mandrake's foliage without dropping the plant to the floor. Soon, he lost the battle and the mandrake slipped out of Albus' hands, fell to the floor and rolled towards Severus' feet. Severus scooped him up and, with a twist of his robe, had the mandrake settled into his arms like a somewhat brown-and-green looking baby. He headed over to the pots and deftly put the mandrake back in the soil. It all happened so fast, the mandrake didn't even have time to start trying to get out of Severus' hands. Severus looked around surreptitiously, checking whether anyone had seen that little scene.

Apparently he was in luck. The students were too traumatized to look up, and Albus had already turned to another plant. Suddenly Minerva jerked away and put her fingers in her mouth. No sound was needed to know the plant had bitten her. Severus sneered, knowing Minerva would exploit the fact no one could hear her to the maximum, and rehearse her repertoire of muggle curses. Many students would be surprised to learn the stern and staid professor McGonnagall could make a sailor blush.

Soon, all the mandrakes were in their pots and under shield. Severus very cautiously removed the spell from one of his ears. Not hearing anything, he nodded to an exhausted Pomona to lower the shield over the students. Pomona almost sagged with relief and exhaustion.

"Minerva, get the students to the hospital wing," Albus ordered, "are you alright Pomona?" Albus grabbed Pomona's arm and helped her sit down.

"Albus, it was terrible! The alarm went off and each and every mandrake started screaming. The noise was too much for even bespelled earmuffs. I couldn't get the students out, not while holding the shield." Pomona cried in anguish. Albus tried to soothe her.

"Severus, a little help here," Minerva called in a calm voice, turning back to croon calming nonsense to the distressed students. The Gryffindor and Ravenclaw students calmed down enough for Minerva to pry them out of the corners they were huddled in. Except one group of three Ravenclaw girls. They sat huddled with their foreheads almost against their knees and their hands on their ears, crying quietly.

Severus crouched down in front of them. They had their eyes closed and looked the picture of misery. Calling their names didn't have any effect. Severus was not going to croon, he inwardly shuddered at the thought. He took the arms of the middle girl and pushed them away from her ears.

"Miss Williams, if you don't stop snivelling immediately, I'll be forced to assign detention."

Severus didn't even hear Minerva's hissed calling of his name. Miss Williams suddenly opened her eyes, and, upon seeing Severus did the most unimaginable thing possible. She launched herself into his arms and _hugged_ him. The sudden movement jarred the other two girls out of their huddle. They opened their eyes, took one look at the scene in front of them, and decided to make their own contribution. Severus couldn't keep his balance with three girls clinging to his chest like limpets and fell on his behind. Again.

"Aaw, how cute!" Minerva cooed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made aurisorda from the Latin auris (ear) and sordus (deaf or mute)


	7. Chapter 7

7.

Pomona was a quiet, motherly witch, always in good humour, patient and dependable. So, naturally, no one reacted at first when she made a beeline for Professor Paddington, who was just entering the conference room. She swung her fist and hit Professor Paddington right in the nose. Severus was impressed. Some of the other staff were even more than impressed, they almost applauded in appreciation of the view.

"Pomona!" cried both Albus and Minerva in shock. Albus took Pomona's hand when she tried to give another swing.

"If you ever dare to set foot again in _my_ greenhouses, I'll get the Devil's Snare to kill you and make it look like an accident!" Pomona screamed.

Professor Paddington's skin took on a pale green hue while she tried futilely to stop her nose from bleeding.  
Albus tried to calm down his Herbology Professor all the while keeping himself in between the two women.

"I've never seen Pomona this angry," Rolanda murmured to Severus, "Then again, I've never seen you hugging students."

Severus scowled darkly and turned away.

It took a while but Albus managed to restore some peace in the conference room. It didn't help that none of his senior staff made any effort to hide their derision for the failed exercise.

Albus cleared his throat. "Let's revise the instalment of the fire alarms again, shall we? I'm quiet certain we can keep the greenhouses safe without the alarms in question."

Clearly Albus was not planning on giving up on this disastrous idea. Most of the staff was looking quite somber and Minerva and Pomona wore identical looks of outrage on their faces. Ursula Paddington, after having the bleeding stopped and her nose healed by Poppy, was trying to give the whole ordeal a positive view. The exercise had done it's job, after all: all staff and students had left the castle in a timely manner. Severus settled back somberly and studied his fellow Heads of House. Judging the expressions on their faces, they would need a solution to this situation sooner rather than later. Before an irreversible _accident_ happened.

oOo

Four weeks before the end of term, the cold war that had sprung up after the greenhouse-debacle, had resolved itself in a precarious armistice. There was a clear battle line drawn between Paddington and the Headmaster on the one side, and the four Heads of House on the other. The rest of the staff were playing the Swiss card and kept themselves to a clear policy of non-interference. While the temperature outside the castle dropped only just below freezing, the one reigning inside the staffroom and halls could be described as glacial.

The students were clearly affected by the mood of the staff and pranked Professor Paddington without remorse. While the behaviour of the adults exuded cold politeness, the students were clearly in favour of a more bloody approach. Paddingtons lessons now resembled actual battlefields, where the intractability of teenaged students clobbered the enthusiasm of a young educator into the ground with great success. Professor Paddington was looking more and more exhausted, but, except for the Headmaster, none of the staff showed a grain of sympathy. Even Poppy, normally quite helpful and motherly, demonstrated a bedside manner more associated with Severus than the matronly witch, when Professor Paddington needed medical assistance after pranks gone wrong.

After yet another fire drill, this time in the middle of dinner, had ended without World War III breaking out, Severus installed himself in his office with a stack of essays to grade. He had just started on the first one, coating it liberally with scathing remarks in red ink, when his office door flew open and the other Heads of House trooped in. Severus took a look at their set faces and sighed, bracing himself for what was coming.

"Take a seat," he offered hopefully. Instead, they positioned themselves in a semicircle around his desk, like a tribunal in front of a criminal. It would have been more imposing, had Filius been able to tower over the desk instead of just peeping over the rim.

"We need to stop this. The tension in the halls is thick enough to cut with a knife." Minerva opened the can of worms. She says 'we' but means 'me', Severus thought sourly.

"The students' nerves are shot. None of them are performing in class the way they should." Filius added.

" _My_ nerves are shot," Pomona added. "And her classes are complete chaos. She has no discipline and none of the students actually manage to learn anything. Except for transfiguring Wellington boots."

The three looked expectantly at Severus.

"Why do you believe I can do anything about it? You all heard the headmaster: The fire drills stay." Severus said almost plaintively.

Minerva snorted.

"You're Slytherin, Severus, you'll concoct some sneaky way to discredit those drills and not even the headmaster will suspect foul play. Please, Severus." Filius said with conviction.

Severus scowled at them.

"Get her fired, Severus, please," Minerva added.

"I'll grow some of those special coffee beans you like so much." Pomona promised hopeful.

All three looked at him expectantly, like a bunch of hopeful puppies.

Severus huffed in annoyance. Pomona had him there, he'd murder for those coffee beans.

"Fine," he said. "I'll try to find a way to get her out."


	8. Chapter 8

8.

It was one week later, in fourth-year potions class, just after lunch, that disaster struck.

Severus was teaching the students how to brew a strong headache potion when the fire alarms went off. This time they sounded like a cross between the old, congested car his father used to drive and a banshee. Severus turned around just in time to see Walter Thompson, a mousy Hufflepuff with no potions skill whatsoever, bump into his neighbours' table in his haste to grab his things. The cauldron on the table wobbled precariously and some of its contents spilled over the edge and into the fire.

"Everybody down!" Severus bellowed while storming down to the back table were young Thompson landed quite harshly on his elbows in his haste to obey the order. Severus had had years of training in pitching his voice just right to make even the most dim-witted student obey instantly. The students followed Thompsons' example and dropped as one to the floor.

The headache potion was not very dangerous, except for one _tiny_ fact. Drop it directly into an open heat source, say a fire, and you've created the biggest jet flame possible. Luckily only a little bit of the potion had spilled into the fire. Unfortunately, a whole cauldron-full was sitting right on top of it.

The jet-flame shot straight up to the ceiling, spreading outwards like a flower in bloom. There was no time to try and douse the flames. Severus _evanesco_ 'ed the potions closest to the flames and threw up a shield over the fire itself, trying to keep his face shielded from the heat with his robe sleeves.

"Keep low to the ground and get out! Leave your things. Mr. Williams, Miss Brightlas!" he called to the two least panicky-looking students. " _Evanesco_ the other potions when you pass them on your way out!"

Severus felt movement at his back, but didn't dare to turn his eyes away from the flames. Was it diminishing? Were the students out? Severus took a quick peek around. Most students seemed to have left, only Mr. Williams was still vanishing some potions.

Severus slowly backed up, his wand still steadily on the fire he was shielding. From the corner of his eye he saw parchments starting to smoulder. It wouldn't be long before the furniture in the rest of the room would spontaneously combust from the heat and smoke.

"Mr. Williams get out of here, now." The blond Ravenclaw scuttled out of the door as fast as he could.

"We're all out, Professor!" miss Brightlas called.

Severus started coughing. The smoke was thickening. He had to get out. He'd almost reached the door, when another coughing fit overtook him and he lost his concentration. Immediately, the shield failed. Severus turned away, dove through the door, made a roll and came to a stop with his face to the classroom. Wandlessly, he threw out his magic to close the door in the path of the approaching firestorm.

Luckily, the potions class was fortified for just such an event, and the door heavily reinforced with magic. The only thing they could do now, was wait until the fire died down from lack of fuel and oxygen.

Severus rolled on his back in relief. The skin of his face and hands chose that moment to assert their unhappiness with having been _this close_ to a fire. They were red, blistered and hurt like hell. Severus looked around. His students were sitting around in the hallway, with various states of shock written on their faces. Severus gave them a quick once-over. Most of them didn't seem really hurt, except for some minor burning or scrapes here and there. Mr. Thompson was almost hysterical, he noted dimly.

Severus coughed some more, tried to clear his throat, thought better of it, concentrated hard and raised his wand to wordlessly summon a Patronus. The beautiful white doe sprang from his wandtip. Some students sighed in wonder at seeing the doe.

"Inform Poppy, she is needed in the dungeons." he rasped. The doe immediately sprang forward.

Severus put down his head again.

"I'm going to kill the Defence Against the Dark Arts professor. Slowly, torturously. And with great delight." Severus' menacing whisper informed the ceiling. Some of the students whimpered and young Mr. Thompson fainted.

oOo

Three hours later, all the students had left the infirmary. Severus was laying on a bed in the back of the room. Ostensibly so Poppy could monitor his breathing, in reality because she hoped his temper would have cooled once he was released in the morning.

Severus turned on his side. Poppy had used almost a whole jar of burn cream on him alone. The infirmary stock was completely depleted, he'd have to brew new salve soon. Only, he wouldn't be brewing, at least not for the rest of the week. And potions class was cancelled until they found a new classroom. Severus felt his temper rise again. That blasted woman and her infernal devices.

The doors of the infirmary creaked open and Albus, Filius and Minerva entered the room. They looked around, and spotting him in the last bed, quickly walked towards him.

"How are you feeling Severus?" Minerva asked quietly. Severus gave her a glare worthy of a Basilisk.

"How do you think I'm feeling, woman?" he almost snarled.

"Now, Severus, no need to get snippy. It was an accident. Caused by the clumsiness of a student." Albus said soothingly, "these things happen." he put his hand on Severus' arm.

"Albus, when will you admit it's time to end this, this _game_ of yours and stop these fire drills?" Minerva asked wearily. "It disrupts the school, throws everybody in panic, gets people hurt. It just doesn't work."

"You know we don't need these alarms, Hogwarts has its own way to inform everybody of a disaster. Don't tell me you didn't know of the fire in the dungeons the moment it happened." Filius said reasoningly.

"We've already talked about this. It's a good system, and I'm not always on the premises to raise the alarm. It just needs some more fine-tuning" Albus said placatingly to the two Heads.

"Nonsense, Albus." Minerva interjected. "If you aren't within the wards, Hogwarts will inform me as Deputy and the Heads of Houses. This is only you playing with a new toy."

"Give it another chance. " Albus looked almost pleadingly at his two staff members.

Severus turned his head to look Albus dead in the eye.

"Albus, this toy could have cost lives." he said very quietly. "Either she and those things go, or I go." The pure contempt and anger when Severus spoke the word 'she', left nothing to the imagination.

A shocked silence hung in the infirmary. Severus looked away and turned on his other side, his back to his colleagues.

"I'll order the house-elves to remove the alarms. And I'll inform Miss Paddington not to come back after New Year." Albus said resignedly and turned to the door.

Minerva and Filius looked at each other in triumph. When Albus closed the infirmary door, they turned back to Severus.

"Thank you Severus" Filius said. "And well done, it was a spectacular way to get rid of her."

"However did you devise such a plan? I never would have thought you had it in you Severus, so brave." Minerva gushed. "Albus will never believe you did it on purpose." she praised with a proud tone in her voice.

Severus smiled to himself. Of course she would be proud of something so Gryffindorish.

He never, _ever_ , was going to let them know it _really_ was an accident.

"Tell Pomona to plant those beans. Goodnight, Minerva, Filius." he said with great aplomb and closed his eyes.

END


End file.
